Because there are elections like every 20 days, for some reason, we're just a tantalizing few days from the midterms, which will solve all your problems, or at least they would if they weren't being contested by terrible people, ogres mostly, who are conspiring to make this the most appalling election in recent memory.
Two years ago Barack Obama soared to victory on an unprecedented wave of unity and the promise to bring together a nation torn by years of war, goalless partisanship and the erosion of American power, and that all went really badly, because it was a terrible idea that never going to work.
Good news, though: Because there are elections like every 20 days, for some reason, we're just a tantalizing few days from the midterms, which will solve all your problems, or at least they would if they weren't being contested by terrible people, ogres mostly, who are conspiring to make this the most appalling election in recent memory. But don't take it from me:
• Funny story: Turns out ashen porno fiend and tea party-approved New York Republican gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino, who has basically spent the last two years e-mailing pornographic and/or racist e-mails to his MySpace friends and who famously insisted that that kids shouldn't be "brainwashed" into thinking it's acceptable to be gay, rented part of his sprawling real estate empire to bars where gay people hang out and brainwash each other in downtown Buffalo. I'm sure that's nothing. I mean, it's not like militant ultra-conservative anti-gay crusaders are ever found to be hiding anything.
• Oh, hey, Ohio Republican House candidate Rich Lott dresses up as a Nazi on weekends to participate in war re-enactments, because that's a good idea. Finally, a national candidate who merges his egregious, shocking anti-Semitism with the crushing sadness of being a war re-enactor.
• If you live in Nevada — and if you're smart you're packing instead of finishing this paragraph — your choices for Senate are the diminutive, unlikable Senate majority leader Harry Reid, who has served since 1856, and legendary fungus-brain Sharron Angle, who told a rally of panting tea party supporters that "Muslims (want) to take over the United States" and that the towns of Dearborn, Mich., and Frankford, Texas, were currently governed under Islamic law, or Sharia, which was particularly news to the people of Frankford, Texas, because the town DOES NOT EXIST, because Dallas annexed is in 1975. In Angle's defense, there is a church and a cemetery there, though, AND THEY ARE BOTH CONTROLLED BY TERRORISTS, POSSIBLY.
• Pointless South Carolina Democratic Senate candidate Alvin Greene, who has literally said nothing out loud since advising the state to begin making action figures of him, is facing off against tea party soulmate Jim DeMint, who announced in early October that he would block all Senate legislation, all of it, when he discovered that writing and enacting laws involved like all these other people. Also, Greene has a felony charge.
• Did you know scientist have created mice with human brains? Delaware witch person Christine O'Donnell does, and in the rare moments she hasn't been talking about witchcraft, masturbation, when she got her bachelor's degree (which was either 1993 or last month) or how she went less to Oxford than a course put on by a group that rented a room in Oxford, she'll tell you about this new race of Mutant Mice People who are impervious to traps and are totally for universal health care.
• Not that I'm advocating living in West Virginia, but John Raese, West Virginia Republican Senate candidate, should he win, would be facing an inconvenient commute from Palm Beach, Fla., where he lives in a $2.9 million mansion, which has a pink marble driveway and probably makes Carl Paladino pretty nervous. (Raese, true story, has said publicly that it's "peach-colored tile" and he didn't even PICK IT HIMSELF. Do you hear that, West Virginia, stop making fun of your carpetbagging candidate's girlish Florida driveway his contractor selected.
• Colorado Republican gubernatorial candidate Dan Maes got himself one of the planet's bestset-ever campaign violation fines for claiming mileage reimbursements of more than $40,000, meaning essentially that Maes either drives a stealth fighter or takes semi-frequent road trips to Saturn.
• Let us not forget Arizona, a nice state full of fine people and countless acres of desert filled with headless corpses, according to Jan Brewer, who failed to locate a single one, explain why they got there, explain why she brought up the headless corpses, stared at the camera blankly during a debate for like nine minutes and left said debate to the shouts of reports screaming questions about the headless corpses instead of questions about unemployment or economic issues or job creation, partly because Democrats are flailing and Republicans have no ideas at all, so regardless of which Fresh Wave Of Whatever gets blown in in November things will remain impenetrably, hopelessly awful and I am planning to avoid as much of it as possibly by moving immediately to Frankford, Texas.
Jeff Vrabel also didn't go to Oxford. He can be reached at http://jeffvrabel.com or followed at http://twitter.com/jeffvrabel.