Netflix has put out roughly 750,000 stand-up specials over the past few years. I sifted through them and found the best ones just for you. This objectively correct list is guaranteed to make you laugh or your money back. Call Netflix customer service and tell them what I said and they'll refund your account. Just don't come to me like, "Ooooh, how come Joe Rogan's Triggered isn't on here?" Because it's not, that's why. Here's what is on the list.

1. Ali Wong: Baby Cobra

Ali Wong has put out two stand-up specials for Netflix, Baby Cobra and Hard Knock Wife. She looks like she's about to go into labor in both of them, which makes her throat-punchingly filthy comedy even funnier. We've heard women talk frankly about sex before, but never from Wong's feminist, Asian-American, hip-hop loving perspective. Both of her specials are excellent, but start with her debut, 2016's Baby Cobra, because it still feels like lightning striking (and Hard Knock Wife kinda feels like a sequel). No one else could tell the joke she tells in Baby Cobra about wanting to crush a white man's head between her thighs. Watching the special is watching her invent her own subgenre of Ali Wong comedy.

2. John Mulaney: Kid Gorgeous

John Mulaney is old-school in his presentation: a reasonably handsome white man in a suit whose primary goal is to entertain through observations and stories. He's a throwback compared to some other people on this list. But the thing is, he's so damn good at stand-up comedy it's preposterous. Like, how is he able to do so many distinct voices that still all sound like him? How does someone get so good at measuring out the rhythm of a sentence? He's a master of the form in a way that most comics of his generation are not. And his old-school craft belies how weird and personal his material can get. All of his specials are excellent, but his newest, Kid Gorgeous, is the most fully realized, even down to the way the camera follows Mulaney's Ichabod Crane-like movements.

3. Hannah Gadsby: Nanette

The most talked-about stand-up special of the year almost isn't stand-up. It starts as stand-up, and then at the 17-minute mark Hannah Gadsby says, "I do think I have to quit comedy, though." After that, the show turns into an art history lecture and an unburdening of the pain and trauma Gadsby has suffered as a lesbian woman, from growing up in a place where homosexuality was illegal to violence to constant social reminders that she doesn't belong, until it builds to furious climax where Gadsby lets her anger come through with no comedy filter whatsoever. Early in the special, Gadsby explains that a joke has two parts: a setup that creates tension and a punchline that relieves the tension. By the end of the show, she is no longer willing to relieve the tension. She needs us to think long and hard about the stories she's telling. But this is not to say there aren't laughs along the way. One of the secrets to Nanette's success is that Gadsby is hilarious, with a dry, whip-smart wit.

4. Hasan Minhaj: Homecoming King

Former Daily Show correspondent (and future Netflix talk show host) Hasan Minhaj deftly weaves humor and pathos in this Peabody-winning, deeply personal one-man show about growing up with immigrant parents. He has a really magnetic presence, like he knows something very important that he has to share with you. While you're watching it you'll forget that Minhaj isn't already a big star. That's going to change.

5. Patton Oswalt: Annihilation

Patton Oswalt's wife Michelle McNamara died in 2016, about a year before he taped this special, and his stories about how he and his daughter got through that year is the core of this powerful work. Annihilation is one of the most extraordinary examples of finding humor in the face of tragedy in recent memory. It's a virtuosic thread of the needle between making you cry and then making you laugh even harder than you would have otherwise because you were just crying. To be fair, the less vulnerable stuff that makes up the bulk of this special is not as strong, but the last third more than makes up for it. The bit about "the Polish woman of doom" will stick with you.

6. Neal Brennan: 3 Mics

Before this one-man show, Neal Brennan was best known as the co-creator of Chappelle's Show. After this show, he's best known as the co-creator of Chappelle's Show who also did that special where he talked about his dysfunctional relationship with his dad. The show is built around a unique conceit: three microphones on stage, one for one-liners, one for traditional stand-up and one for soul-baring stories about his life. Brennan is honest in a really interesting way that most comics -- scratch that, most people -- are not. He doesn't stylize his honesty. He just tells you exactly who he is.

7. Tom Segura: Disgraceful

Tom Segura can help fill the Louis C.K.-shaped hole in your heart. Segura has a cheerfully misanthropic middle-aged guy worldview that's secretly warm and generous. He's a gifted raconteur, sharp social observer and delightful vulgarian who remains likable even while he's joking about building a wall around Louisiana to keep Cajun people away from the rest of us. And his point about how "change my diaper" should be the most insulting thing you can say to someone is just accurate.

8. Chris Rock: Tambourine

Chris Rock's first stand-up special in a decade came out earlier this year, and it shows a side of the legendary comedian we've never seen before. He gets really real about the infidelity that ended his marriage, letting us inside his personal life in a way he never has before and showing that comedy's most confident man can do vulnerable, too. And Rock remains one of the foremost commentators on race in America, the talent that made him one of the greats in the first place. No one makes better analogies.

9. Chelsea Peretti: One of the Greats

Chelsea Peretti (best known for playing Gina on Brooklyn Nine-Nine) has one of the most unique voices in comedy today, literally and figuratively. She has this incredible tone that's parked right at the intersection of silliness and dryness that just hits some undefinable sweet spot. I've thought about her joke about texting her dog about once a month for the past four years. This special is from 2014, but maybe if enough people are still watching it in 2018, she'll finally do another one.

10. The Comedy Lineup

This recently-released anthology compiles 15-minute sets from eight up-and-coming comics: Michelle Buteau, Phil Wang, Taylor Tomlinson, Ian Karmel, Jak Knight, Sam Jay, Sabrina Jalees and my personal favorite Tim Dillon. You probably don't know any of their names yet, but if you watch these you'll be able to say "I saw them back then" after they blow up. They all have to do that thing not-famous comedians have to do where they acknowledge what they look like at the start of their set, but pretty soon they won't have to do that anymore. You'll know what they look like. Watching these sets back-to-back is the closest you can get to a comedy club experience while parked on your couch.

Other Links From John MulaneyPatton OswaltChris RockAli WongAli Wong: Baby CobraHasan MinhajTom SeguraHannah GadsbyNeal BrennanChelsea Peretti